Discovering Who I am as a Teacher

I apologize to those of you who might have started reading this thinking that it would include some humour and be a lighthearted blog post about my experiences here in Thailand. This blog won't be funny, so if that is what you were expecting, read no further. I am writing to share what I am experiencing right now, and it is coming from a more somber standpoint. I have been seriously struggling the past few days with what my purpose here is, and it is still unclear. I thought I came here to be a teacher and use what I have learned to be able to impact my students. The problem with that lies in the fact that I believe in the Canadian education system, and I do not believe in the education system here in Thailand. I have been faced with many different viewpoints that differ completely from mine and the way I have been taught. If you are from GES and you are reading this, I caution you to stop reading now. If you read further, that's your own fault and I can't say I didn't warn you. Every time anything is brought up, I feel that my views differ 100%. I do not believe in taking away student's lunches as punishment or making them run. I do not believe in assessment that includes grades for homework and participation. And I do not believe that all students can show their knowledge in the same way. I believe in a positive rewards system. You may think I am naive and this only works in the perfect world, but I assure you this is not the case. Yes, it is true that it may be harder to implement and more work, but it is possible. It is also possible to set up assessment based on the individual needs of your students, and gauge how they are best able to represent the knowledge of the curriculum goal. Once again, it will take more work than one test for all students pulled from a file folder from years past, but I believe that students have the right to different representations of knowledge, and not all students succeed and show their knowledge in one cookie-cutter way.

This past year provided me with many learning opportunities, and I am so thankful for it. I was presented with challenges and a very diverse classroom of students, but I would not change that for anything. I grew to love my classroom so much and I was taught so many valuable lessons about addressing the needs of a diverse classroom. I was taught to teach in a way that addresses a very diverse set of needs within the classroom. This is something that I believe in so much, but I can honestly say i did not know how strongly I believed in this until this past week. As I was getting the list of my students and gathering information about past student's I was really excited, because even though my classroom is small, it was a diverse bunch. I have a student who was retained, a student who speaks barely at all, and a student who does not speak English. Usually this would be scary news, but I was actually excited because I felt like I knew God's purpose for sending me here. I had learned so much about differentiation in the classroom and teaching just beyond what each student is able to achieve. I felt like it was being affirmed what my purpose this year would be, and I had an excited anticipation for what was to come.

Unfortunately I have encountered a cross-cultural difference that is hard for me to stomach. Here it is important that parents do not feel that their children are in levelled classes (even if that is the case), and they want to feel that they are getting the exact same educational experience in one classroom as they are in the next. Even if both classes are meeting the same standards, it is expected that classes at the same grade are doing similar things (same assignments, test times, etc.). You teach at the grade and not below the grade. Even if the students are below the grade. There is little to no room for differentiation, and I don't even know how to teach like this. How am I supposed to teach students above what they are capable of, if I am not filling the gaps of what has been missed and giving them a fair chance to meet the rest of their classmates at that level? It absolutely breaks my heart to hear people say that they do not "teach down" to students and they expect them to breeze through to the next grade. To me, no student should feel stupid through their entire educational journey because no one spent the time to alter the curriculum for them and teach them what they need. How is a student going to feel if they are constantly not meeting standards and falling below the curriculum goals? We are setting them up to feel like failures, and no part of me is alright with that. Teaching language arts from a textbook may work for a few students, but I am grieved for those students who don't learn best in this way. Knowing that I am in a classroom where I have certain skills and knowledge that would help them greatly that I am not able to use is killing me. It has literally been an awful couple of days thinking about the robot teacher I will have to become this year. I knew I would encounter cultural differences here, and I knew there would be frustrations. I am learning what core values I have and what I am alright with compromising. I am learning a lot about myself as a teacher and what bugs me to my core, and unfortunately I am learning quickly. I believe strongly in things I have been taught and have been able to see them work effectively in classrooms. I believe adamandtly in positive reinforcement systems, assessing students based on their individual learning needs, and differentiating all aspects of the classroom (while simultaneously meeting all curriculum goals) to provide the best chance of success for students. I am not saying this is an easy thing, and in fact teaching can be a very challenging job at times. But it is rewarding, and I always want to be able to work this hard to help my students succeed.

I am in a tricky situation. I am clashing with the culture, and I in no way want to disrespect the culture here. But my core values are not aligning with the values that the school has and is implementing for their school. I was under the impression that we would be teaching in a more North American way, because all of the English teachers here are from North America. This is not the case, however, and we stick to a lot of the traditional Thai values when it comes to certain things. Please pray that I would be able to be respectful of the cultural differences here as I teach and learn in this new culture. I am not Thai, but am expected to teach under Thai values, so this will be hard for me. Please also pray that God will provide strength for me as I continue to teach. I have lost all motivation for teaching this year, because I do not feel that I am able to be myself. Also please pray that my purpose would be known and God would provide peace for me right now. Being in a completely different place and not feeling supported in everything I know as teaching is making me incredibly homesick. I know God brought me here for a reason, but I am just really unsure of what that is right now.