When I think of the struggles that I have in my spiritual life, many problems are rooted in this thinking. Instead of allowing God to work through me and depending on Him willingly, I often think that I can do everything on my own. It is not until I am at rock bottom that I finally surrender to God and look for his help. If only I wasn't so stubborn and could learn to be dependent through all times, and not only the toughest ones. In Romans 14:7-9 it paints a picture of the dependence we are to have on God and the relationship that should exist between ourselves and God: "For we do not live to ourselves alone and we do not die to ourselves alone. If we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live, or die, we belong to the Lord. For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living". God wants us to be dependent on Him, and he longs for his children to seek him in all situations, not just the tough ones.
I know that I desire to have independence, and I sincerely often thought that this independence was helping others. I often insist that I can do something on my own, because I do not want to inconvenience someone in any way. I would rather help them by helping myself. Recently I have discovered that this may be faulty thinking. In fact, through always wanting to "help" others by doing things on my own, I am actually denying them a chance to help me and love me through helping. During the first weeks of biking everywhere, I insisted on doing everything on my own, and was too embarrassed/stubborn to ask for help. Going from biking 0 km/week (year?haha) to suddenly biking hundreds of (hilly) kilometers in a week was a rough transition, and was pretty tiring. I felt like this was my own problem and my own fault, so no one else should have to inconvenience themselves by helping me. Then one morning, my body decided to show me that it was not alright with this drastic change in physical activity. The low blood sugar problem that got me into this mess in the first place paralyzed me once again. This came as little surprise to me, however, because a drastic increase in physical activity will definitely impact my blood sugar levels. My insulin receptors start acting differently, and I was playing a bit of a guessing game with the amount I should decrease my long acting insulin. I lost the game that day. After this happened, a good friend of mine told me this: "Chrissy, by not asking people for rides, you are not letting them love you". Ouch. Really? I had not thought of it this way. I thought I was helping others by being self-sufficient, but really I was being prideful and not letting others in.
This was another tough moment to swallow, because I began to wonder how often I do things in my life with what I think are good intentions, but are really slightly skewed? Since this I have been slowly accepting people's kind offers, and no longer refusing help and insisting I am fine on my own. Through this, God has been showing me small glimpses of His work, and it has been really awesome. When I first lost my license, I was chatting with my landlady and told her what happened, and she told me that whenever I needed to go anywhere, I should just come upstairs and ask her and she would take me. This sounded wonderful, but I left and thought "there is no way I would ever ask for a ride". After I had this moment of revelation that I needed to start becoming more dependent, God placed an opportunity in front of me. Probably as a little bit of a test to see if I am learning anything (good assessment!). I think I passed. I accepted a ride from my landlady and she drove me to the grocery store and I got to go with her to pick up one of her daughters. As we were driving, we had the chance to have a really great conversation, and I know this would not have happened if I had not accepted her ride.
This same day, as I was exiting the grocery store, I realized I was not in my usual mindset. I was exiting the grocery store with no car of my own to go to. Instead of walking out, head down, completely focused on finding my vehicle and thinking of the next 12 things I have to do within 5 minutes, I found myself looking around. I realized my ride was not there, and I had something rare: time. It was a gift. Now if you know me, I am not exactly the type of person who would start a conversation with someone when I don't know them. I'm shy, and usually a friendly hello or a smile is all I can muster. All of the sudden, I found myself in a strange place. I was standing by some flowers and there was a mom standing with a young boy who was playing and had a very mischievous look on his face. The mom looked frustrated and annoyed. I looked up at her and exclaimed, "well it looks like he's having fun". I wasn't really expecting anything, but all of the sudden this woman and I began talking. We talked for probably 10 minutes, which really shocked me. It was nothing spiritual or deep, but the woman left with a smile on her face. This was a lot different than the initially frustrated woman I had seen.
I would have never taken the time to see this opportunity for a simple conversation that would brighten someone's day before. All of the sudden I am seeing more and more how God is using this situation for the good. I am reminded of Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose". I have been a witness to this verse many times in my life, and again it is something that I find myself reflecting on as it is resounding in my life.
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