I was warned. Teaching at a Christian school in a Buddhist country is going to be hard. I listened, but I didn't fully understand. The reality of what "tough" entails is certainly coming to life and has been transpiring since I got here.
It seems that since I set foot in Thailand I have been under attack in one form or another since the week I arrived. Whether it be discrimination from the administration because of diabetes, attacks on any self-confidence I ever had, no support from the administration and personal attacks from them, or the cliques in this so called "Christian" community that we live in, I have been constantly feeling attacked since getting here. It has not been easy. I have seen spiritual attack and correlation in the attack I receive with great things happening in my classroom. There has been so much receptiveness to what I have been doing in devotions and what I have shared with my kids, but simultaneously I have felt so under attack.
I want to be able to see this work and not allow Satan to take hold of the work that God is doing in my classroom. But that is so tough. I have seen so much darkness and have been experiencing so much darkness and depression that is taking everything out of me. The reality of spiritual oppression and the presence of spiritual attacks in such a dark, Buddhist country is coming to life. I get so excited about sharing the gospel with my kids and having honest, truthful conversations with them. I have an opportunity to sit down with 13 young kids from Buddhist families each day and share with them why I believe in God and challenge them in ways I never thought I would have the audacity to do. God has given me courage to ask bold questions and not be afraid of being politically correct in my sharing with them.
Often God will speak to me in dreams of what I should share with my students in devotions. Sometimes it seems a little crazy, so in the morning I will pray and ask for confirmation. Each time I have presented something that seemed to be too bold or required a lot of courage, the immediate response in my classroom has floored me. The other day I sat my kids down and shared what was on my heart. One student asked a question and all of the sudden a great conversation started. I looked around to find the most captive audience I have ever seen out of my class. Every student was intrigued by what was being talked about and there was not one student who was not listening to what was happening. I would be lucky if this happened in English class, let alone devotions time.
Unfortunately though, I have to be honest. Christmas is usually a really exciting time and something that I really look forward to. Here though, I am actually dreading Christmas. I know, I sound like the most awful person. I know that Christmas time is one where talk of the gospel and Jesus is huge and it is a time where we get to present the parents of our kids with the gospel story. This should be so exciting, but I just know that with the presence of so much light around Christmas time, I feel like it is going to bring so much attack and oppression. It's almost like I feel I need to brace myself before the Christmas season here. But it has already started and I'm not sure I'm ready for it.
I want to be so excited about all the ways that I see God moving here, but feeling excited about anything has been tough for a while. I'm drained and quite honestly tired of being here. Teaching at a Christian school in a Buddhist country is tough, and day-by-day I am learning the reality of what that means.
Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Saturday, 24 November 2012
My Special Project!
My heart is so unbelievably happy right now!!! As a teacher, there is always one student who is your special project for the year. It may be the child who is resistant to you and swears that you are their least favourite person. You are secretly trying to win them over and make them not hate everything you do. Or it may be the student who throws tantrums in your class and requires more patience than you think you could ever have. Most of the time this special project is a child who requires overwhelming amounts of patience and 200% of your time. For some strange reason, though, you tend to love them even more for this.
I have a favourite student. I know teachers are not supposed to admit to having a favourite student, but I think we all secretly do. That, or I'm a terrible teacher and I just admitted it to you. Either way, I still have a favourite student. Her name is Belinda (Note: this is note her actual name....it would be funny if it was, but it's not. Sorry to anyone named Belinda that may be reading this). She is such a sweet girl, and a girl of few words. By few words, I literally mean she does not talk. And no, I am not talking about that shy girl in class who is really reserved and never says anything. Yes, she does fall into all of the above categories, however she literally never talks. For the first few weeks of school I heard absolutely nothing out of her and she never talks to her classmates. Over time she has become more comfortable with me and she will talk to me, but it is very quiet. Unfortunately any bit of sound that is coming out of her mouth is usually drowned out by the obnoxious, yet mandatory, air conditioner.
Even when you are working one-on-one with her she will usually not say anything, and I provide her with options A and B so she can point and choose rather than talk. I try and make her talk sometimes, but it is a task and a half so I usually do not have the time to wait for her response. I will ask her a question and it will take a full three minutes for an answer to come out. Now, i know that doesn't sound long, but if you are thinking this I challenge you to time 3 minutes and see how long that is. Usually when you have to wait 10 seconds for someone to respond you think they have checked out of the conversation. I know the look she gets in her eyes though when she has an answer, and she gives me a little smile/smirk. You then just have to wait. And wait and wait and wait. Eventually she will come out with an answer, but it is a patience testing endeavour. Talk about teacher wait time!!
Anyways, she has becoming a lot more comfortable with me recently and I have been hearing her speak a little bit louder. I started tutoring her and she will speak quietly, but a lot louder than any other time. She will never speak in front of her classmates, so in tutoring when it is just us it is a good chance to ask her to speak.
Today I had the largest moment of teacher breakthrough with her though. I have been doing reader's theatre with the class and I purposefully gave her a role with the least speaking possible. Knowing that this would be a terrifying endeavour for any child to speak in front of the class (definitely was for me as a child!), I knew this was bound to make her cringe. I told them that reader's theatre was able to check off some of the curriculum goals for the year, and this was an alternative to standing in front of the class alone and doing speeches or presentations. I still knew she would be uncomfortable, so I had them practice this a lot and become very comfortable with it before they performed.
Today was the presentation of their plays and I was walking around the classroom listening to them have one last practice time. I was glancing around and all of the sudden I heard Belinda's voice.....from all the way across the room. She was speaking her line and I could hear it!!!! I looked at her and almost cried. It was such an emotional moment. I know, I sound pathetic, but this was actually such a big deal! I instantly grinned from ear to ear and was so unbelievably proud of her!! I went over and made sure she knew how great I thought she was doing, and she responded with the biggest smile I have ever seen her smile. She is a girl of few emotions, so even getting a smile out of her is a big deal!
She performed in front of the class and said her lines aloud. They were not as loud as in practice, but I had seen all I needed to see. I am SO unbelievably proud of her, and was not expecting this when I woke up this morning. God is working in incredible ways in this classroom, and today was a clear sign of God's hand over this classroom of students. For me that's as close to a miracle as I have ever seen. I know it doesn't sound like much to most people. It may just sound like a shy girl coming out of her shell, but to those who know Belinda they know that this is crazy!!
I have a favourite student. I know teachers are not supposed to admit to having a favourite student, but I think we all secretly do. That, or I'm a terrible teacher and I just admitted it to you. Either way, I still have a favourite student. Her name is Belinda (Note: this is note her actual name....it would be funny if it was, but it's not. Sorry to anyone named Belinda that may be reading this). She is such a sweet girl, and a girl of few words. By few words, I literally mean she does not talk. And no, I am not talking about that shy girl in class who is really reserved and never says anything. Yes, she does fall into all of the above categories, however she literally never talks. For the first few weeks of school I heard absolutely nothing out of her and she never talks to her classmates. Over time she has become more comfortable with me and she will talk to me, but it is very quiet. Unfortunately any bit of sound that is coming out of her mouth is usually drowned out by the obnoxious, yet mandatory, air conditioner.
Even when you are working one-on-one with her she will usually not say anything, and I provide her with options A and B so she can point and choose rather than talk. I try and make her talk sometimes, but it is a task and a half so I usually do not have the time to wait for her response. I will ask her a question and it will take a full three minutes for an answer to come out. Now, i know that doesn't sound long, but if you are thinking this I challenge you to time 3 minutes and see how long that is. Usually when you have to wait 10 seconds for someone to respond you think they have checked out of the conversation. I know the look she gets in her eyes though when she has an answer, and she gives me a little smile/smirk. You then just have to wait. And wait and wait and wait. Eventually she will come out with an answer, but it is a patience testing endeavour. Talk about teacher wait time!!
Anyways, she has becoming a lot more comfortable with me recently and I have been hearing her speak a little bit louder. I started tutoring her and she will speak quietly, but a lot louder than any other time. She will never speak in front of her classmates, so in tutoring when it is just us it is a good chance to ask her to speak.
Today I had the largest moment of teacher breakthrough with her though. I have been doing reader's theatre with the class and I purposefully gave her a role with the least speaking possible. Knowing that this would be a terrifying endeavour for any child to speak in front of the class (definitely was for me as a child!), I knew this was bound to make her cringe. I told them that reader's theatre was able to check off some of the curriculum goals for the year, and this was an alternative to standing in front of the class alone and doing speeches or presentations. I still knew she would be uncomfortable, so I had them practice this a lot and become very comfortable with it before they performed.
Today was the presentation of their plays and I was walking around the classroom listening to them have one last practice time. I was glancing around and all of the sudden I heard Belinda's voice.....from all the way across the room. She was speaking her line and I could hear it!!!! I looked at her and almost cried. It was such an emotional moment. I know, I sound pathetic, but this was actually such a big deal! I instantly grinned from ear to ear and was so unbelievably proud of her!! I went over and made sure she knew how great I thought she was doing, and she responded with the biggest smile I have ever seen her smile. She is a girl of few emotions, so even getting a smile out of her is a big deal!
She performed in front of the class and said her lines aloud. They were not as loud as in practice, but I had seen all I needed to see. I am SO unbelievably proud of her, and was not expecting this when I woke up this morning. God is working in incredible ways in this classroom, and today was a clear sign of God's hand over this classroom of students. For me that's as close to a miracle as I have ever seen. I know it doesn't sound like much to most people. It may just sound like a shy girl coming out of her shell, but to those who know Belinda they know that this is crazy!!
Honest Hearts
**I don't know about you, but I often write blog posts and then never post them. I am looking back now and am going to share some of the blog posts that I have written since being here. This was one from a couple months back with my students:
I sit here with a heart that hurts, yet is excited. My emotions are battling, and in an exhausting tug-of-war. This morning I had an eye opening devotions period with my students. I decided a couple weeks ago that I don't want to waste time trying to figure out what my students think, and sometimes I just need to have the boldness to discuss tough issues with them. I often get scared and want to be too politically correct and find myself not telling them that they are wrong. For instance, when it comes to being Buddhist and Christian at the same time. I knew what my students thought, or at least some of them. They believe that you can be both Buddhist and Christian at the same time. I don't feel like I am proselytizing them when I tell them that this is unfortunately not possible, and there needs to be a choice made between one or the other.
I have discovered that my students will do a lot of things just to please Miss. Chrissy! I mean, this is great, but sometimes it's actually really annoying. I don't want you to do things because that's the way I do them. I want you to be honest with me, and honest with yourself. I want this from all people I interact with in life, and I especially want this from my students. I am not here to force beliefs on my students and have them "believe" something simply because I do. I am here to show them what I believe and why I believe it, and hope that this serves as an example for them. I want them to ask questions and not accept every thing I tell them. I demand that from them. A class that sits in silence and agrees with me is boring. Often I have to challenge my students and tell them that I know they don't agree with me, and ask them to be brave enough to say so. I think my students finally understand that I am going to love them regardless of what they believe and they are more comfortable with being honest with me (this is a teachers dream!). Sometimes when I ask them questions though, they still give me the "teachers pet" response. I have learned that to get their honest response, I need to ask them to write. Paper is a place where no one is going to judge them. No classmates are going to read their response, and no one is going to question what they write. Each response is accepted equally and I am the only one that reads their writing.
So today I asked them a question that I have been wanting to know the answer to: Do you believe that you can be a Christian and a Buddhist at the same time? Explain why or why not. The clock ticked on as I awaited the students responses. I said nothing, and the pencils went to paper. The class was absolutely silent for 20 minutes and then the responses started trickling in. Some were what I had expected, and others shocked me.
I found that Buddhism here is not a religion, but a way of life. A lot of their responses hinted at the fact that they are Buddhist for any number or combination of these reasons:
1. They live in Thailand.
2. They were "born Buddhist"
3. Their parents are Buddhist, therefore they are Buddhist
One student said this "I am Thailand people I love to be a Buddhist", and another clearly depicted what many students thought. His response read: "Yes (I can be both a Christian and Buddhist), because I want to be a Christian and a Buddhist. My mom and dad are Buddhist. I want to be a Christian because I believe that there is a God that made me smart and I am Buddhist because I was born in Thailand and most people are Buddhist". The God that he speaks of is living and real and working in his life, but Buddhism is something that was inherited. Reading things like this makes me want to cry, but at the same time it makes me know that God is working in their little hearts to even know that they believe that there is a God and can feel him moving.
Another response said this "We can believe in God 50% or Buddha 50%, but I believe in God 100% and Buddha 100%, and I think Miss. Chrissy believes in God 1000%, and students in class believe in Buddha. I can't do anything without God or Buddha". Not sure what percent system we are working with, but something just doesn't equate here. Haha. But in all seriousness, these are the sort of things we can be praying for in my classroom. These students are feeling the tension between Buddhism and Christianity, and I think this is proof of God moving in them. If there was no tension, there would be little presence of God in their life to them, but this tension speaks to me and tells me that God is moving in their lives and proving to them that He is real.
The last one I will share with you was written by a little girl who at the beginning of the year told me that she did not believe in God. She told me that God promised no more floods, and Thailand is under water, so there is no God and that is that. This is what she wrote as her response:
"I think I can't be a Christian and a Buddhist at the same time because I can worship only one God. I am having a problem. I don't know who is real. Buddhist God said to believe in him and Christian God said to believe in Him too. I don't know a God to worship."
I read this and cried. Utter confusion, but movement. This is not the same girl who at the beginning of the year would deny any sign of a God. She was so adamant about there not being a God and all of the sudden she is confused enough to "have a problem". I know this does not sound like something to be excited about, but this is proof to me that God is somehow moving in her life and changing her heart.
I sit here with a heart that hurts, yet is excited. My emotions are battling, and in an exhausting tug-of-war. This morning I had an eye opening devotions period with my students. I decided a couple weeks ago that I don't want to waste time trying to figure out what my students think, and sometimes I just need to have the boldness to discuss tough issues with them. I often get scared and want to be too politically correct and find myself not telling them that they are wrong. For instance, when it comes to being Buddhist and Christian at the same time. I knew what my students thought, or at least some of them. They believe that you can be both Buddhist and Christian at the same time. I don't feel like I am proselytizing them when I tell them that this is unfortunately not possible, and there needs to be a choice made between one or the other.
I have discovered that my students will do a lot of things just to please Miss. Chrissy! I mean, this is great, but sometimes it's actually really annoying. I don't want you to do things because that's the way I do them. I want you to be honest with me, and honest with yourself. I want this from all people I interact with in life, and I especially want this from my students. I am not here to force beliefs on my students and have them "believe" something simply because I do. I am here to show them what I believe and why I believe it, and hope that this serves as an example for them. I want them to ask questions and not accept every thing I tell them. I demand that from them. A class that sits in silence and agrees with me is boring. Often I have to challenge my students and tell them that I know they don't agree with me, and ask them to be brave enough to say so. I think my students finally understand that I am going to love them regardless of what they believe and they are more comfortable with being honest with me (this is a teachers dream!). Sometimes when I ask them questions though, they still give me the "teachers pet" response. I have learned that to get their honest response, I need to ask them to write. Paper is a place where no one is going to judge them. No classmates are going to read their response, and no one is going to question what they write. Each response is accepted equally and I am the only one that reads their writing.
So today I asked them a question that I have been wanting to know the answer to: Do you believe that you can be a Christian and a Buddhist at the same time? Explain why or why not. The clock ticked on as I awaited the students responses. I said nothing, and the pencils went to paper. The class was absolutely silent for 20 minutes and then the responses started trickling in. Some were what I had expected, and others shocked me.
I found that Buddhism here is not a religion, but a way of life. A lot of their responses hinted at the fact that they are Buddhist for any number or combination of these reasons:
1. They live in Thailand.
2. They were "born Buddhist"
3. Their parents are Buddhist, therefore they are Buddhist
One student said this "I am Thailand people I love to be a Buddhist", and another clearly depicted what many students thought. His response read: "Yes (I can be both a Christian and Buddhist), because I want to be a Christian and a Buddhist. My mom and dad are Buddhist. I want to be a Christian because I believe that there is a God that made me smart and I am Buddhist because I was born in Thailand and most people are Buddhist". The God that he speaks of is living and real and working in his life, but Buddhism is something that was inherited. Reading things like this makes me want to cry, but at the same time it makes me know that God is working in their little hearts to even know that they believe that there is a God and can feel him moving.
Another response said this "We can believe in God 50% or Buddha 50%, but I believe in God 100% and Buddha 100%, and I think Miss. Chrissy believes in God 1000%, and students in class believe in Buddha. I can't do anything without God or Buddha". Not sure what percent system we are working with, but something just doesn't equate here. Haha. But in all seriousness, these are the sort of things we can be praying for in my classroom. These students are feeling the tension between Buddhism and Christianity, and I think this is proof of God moving in them. If there was no tension, there would be little presence of God in their life to them, but this tension speaks to me and tells me that God is moving in their lives and proving to them that He is real.
The last one I will share with you was written by a little girl who at the beginning of the year told me that she did not believe in God. She told me that God promised no more floods, and Thailand is under water, so there is no God and that is that. This is what she wrote as her response:
"I think I can't be a Christian and a Buddhist at the same time because I can worship only one God. I am having a problem. I don't know who is real. Buddhist God said to believe in him and Christian God said to believe in Him too. I don't know a God to worship."
I read this and cried. Utter confusion, but movement. This is not the same girl who at the beginning of the year would deny any sign of a God. She was so adamant about there not being a God and all of the sudden she is confused enough to "have a problem". I know this does not sound like something to be excited about, but this is proof to me that God is somehow moving in her life and changing her heart.
Sneak Emotions
Here are some of the signs of suppressed homesickness. It presents itself a lot around holiday times and events where you know your family will be gathered without you.
I went to Starbucks today to be in an atmosphere where Christmas music was playing and Christmas drinks are being served. In Thailand, with it being a very Buddhist place, Christmas is not big on peoples list of things to celebrate. It is so strange being in a place that is not inundated with Christmas the minute Halloween ends. But they also don't celebrate Halloween here, so basically there are no benchmarks for this time of the year. Often I feel like I am in perpetual summer time, but all the while working, so it doesn't feel a lot like summer. I usually don't love the mass media and hullabaloo with Christmas decorations and Christmas everything, as I find that it is such a distraction from the real reason for the holidays. Being here, however, I miss those things. I miss the Christmas spirit and feeling in the air around Christmastime. So that is why I find myself fleeing to one of the only places that is playing Christmas music (other than my own computer!) at this time of the year.
I sat down in Starbucks and was content with the music and the atmosphere (they air condition it heavily, so it makes me feel like it is actually cold outside), until all of the sudden the song "I'll be home for Christmas" starts playing. It took all of 0.325 seconds for me to be overwhelmed with emotion that I never thought would happen. I was reading a book and instantly knew that I needed to leave Starbucks quickly before embarrassment ensued. I was tearing up with no good explanation and needed to leave as soon as possible. Classic case of suppressed homesickness. Sneak emotions are just not cool....you think you are okay, and then BAM. The thought of not being home at Christmastime with my family scares me, and if I think about it too much I am bound to start crying. I have planned a holiday over Christmas break to serve as a distraction from not being with my family, but there is something so magical about being at home with people who love you on the holidays. I will definitely miss that a lot this year, but hopefully I will be in a place where I can fully focus on the reason for the holiday and rest in knowing that this is God's plan for this Christmas season for me.
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